How Art Therapy Helped Me Parent My Teenage Children
As a self-taught artist, I discovered the healing effects of art while creating my own paintings, some of which were done during the most challenging times of my life. I noticed that simply mixing colors made me feel centered and calm. It allowed me to quiet the noise in my mind and think of constructive solutions. Often, I could tap into a wiser part of myself. I was so intrigued by the creative process that I wanted to understand its mechanism—perhaps this curiosity came from my background as an engineer.
I came across the Diploma of Holistic Creative Art Therapy and decided to embark on a journey of self-discovery. I gifted this course to myself as a way to celebrate my 40 years on this planet, dedicating every moment to understanding who I truly am.
So, how did art therapy help me in raising my 17- and 15-year-old daughters? First, let’s define a teenager. Our children start their lives so small, delicate, lovable, and tiny. As they grow, we become their heroes, idols, guides, and beacons of light. We get used to this dynamic, but as they enter their teenage years, they begin to detach from us. They stop following our lead and start forging their own paths. In a sense, they hold up a mirror to us, forcing us to reassess our own paths and decisions. At least, this is how it felt for me.
Initially, I took their judgment and criticism personally, believing that my path was the best and that they should follow it. I even fell into the role of the victim, trying to pull them into my own drama. But when I began art therapy, I noticed patterns of behavior in myself that I hadn’t seen before. I realized that whenever my daughters triggered me, it was a sign that there was inner work I needed to do. Whenever I felt frustrated or angry, it was because the “mirror” they held up was pointing toward a part of my life that could benefit from change.
After six months of self-reflection and releasing emotions that had been embedded in me since childhood, I started to understand my teenagers better. I gave them permission to express themselves and to feel without taking their actions personally, as I had done before. Instead of trying to control or parent them in the traditional sense, I began to befriend them. My inner work started reflecting in our relationship—I became calmer, more relaxed, and more trustworthy. I discovered that it’s never too late to mend a relationship with a distant teen who rarely speaks to you.
I once read a study that completely changed my perspective on why teenagers start to distance themselves and prefer spending time with their peers rather than their parents. The study suggested that this behavior dates back to our ancestors. Teenagers would seek out distant tribes away from their parents to marry and introduce new blood into their community, rather than staying within the same tribe and marrying a close relative. This was nature’s way of keeping the gene pool strong and diverse.
This idea resonated with me. If we want to refresh and strengthen our lineage, we need new blood and new mindsets. This can only be achieved by exploring different, unfamiliar paths rather than sticking to the ones we are used to—our comfort zones. Perhaps it is this natural distancing that we can credit for the genetic diversity and good health humanity enjoys today.
So, if you’re a mom with a teenager and feeling the loss of that once-close relationship, don’t panic or despair. Teenagers are meant to distance themselves as they explore who they are and carve out their own identities. This isn’t a sign that they no longer need or love you; it’s a natural part of growing up and becoming independent.
Instead of seeing this as a loss, try to view it as a transition—a necessary one for both you and your teenager. This distance can provide a unique opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Take this time to reconnect with your own passions, rediscover the parts of yourself that may have been set aside, and explore who you are beyond the role of a parent.
Remember, the bond you share with your child isn’t gone—it’s simply evolving. By giving them the space to grow, you allow them to develop into confident, self-reliant individuals. And as they navigate this journey, you’ll find new ways to connect, understand each other, and build a relationship that’s based on mutual respect and understanding.
From my writing, the key takeaway is that self-love becomes incredibly important as our children enter adolescence. As they begin to assert their independence and explore their own identities, it often brings to the surface our own unresolved issues, past challenges, and childhood difficulties. During this time, practicing positive self-talk and forgiveness for ourselves is crucial.
Self-love allows us to approach our parenting with a renewed sense of compassion and understanding. It helps us navigate the emotional challenges that arise when our children start to choose different paths. When we engage in positive self-talk, we reinforce our worth and resilience, enabling us to model these qualities for our teenagers.
Forgiveness, too, plays a vital role. It’s important to forgive ourselves for past mistakes and to address any lingering childhood wounds. This process of self-forgiveness not only heals us but also helps us to be more present and supportive as our children navigate their own journeys.
Ultimately, as our teenagers grow and evolve, they reflect back to us aspects of our own lives that may need attention. By embracing self-love and forgiveness, we not only foster our own growth but also create a healthier, more supportive environment for our children. This approach helps us build a stronger, more empathetic relationship with them, one that acknowledges and respects the changes both they and we are undergoing.
